And in the spirit of love...

	Love-a-Lot Bear You love to take care of others and people love being around you because you make them feel appreciated. You are very sweet and soft-spoken. You are also a romantic and consider yourself an excellent matchmaker, so you tend to be a bit nosy. But everyone still considers you the sweetest person they know.
Take the Which Care Bear Are You? Quiz!

Happy Valentine's Day

Let there be love in your heart
A sweet song to lift up your spirit
Laughter to light up your day
And a beautiful soul to welcome you with open arms
For home is truly where the heart is.

~chp 2005


Cherish those you love, today and every day... :)

Brand new day.

Somehow in all the emotions of yesterday, I neglected to write in my blog on other subjects like I had initially thought I would.

So in recognizing the one thing I neglected to say in all of yesterday's posting, I really do love both my mother and my sister with all my heart, no matter what either of them believe.

Alas, it is a new day and hopefully it will bring with it sunshine, love and forgiveness.

Anyways, it's Monday; so work will be insanely busy and I won't have a chance to worry or reflect on anything but my customers. I'm working 1pm to 9pm, my least favorite shift in the world... but at least Sean will pick me up and I have a vacation day tomorrow.

I pray my mother's doctor appointment today goes well. She'll be in my thoughts, because no matter what, I want her to be well. And I'm sure arguing with either of us didn't help...

Alas, I must get ready for work.

So I must bid adieu...

Broken hearted...

When I began this blog, I had no intentions of venting about my family on it; because in the past I had an online journal that neither my sister or my mother knew about... so I did the unthinkable, I posted my tormented feelings at times. And then, somehow, after using my sister's computer - I didn't realize I'd left the website in her history. And of course, like any little sister; she investigated. Apparently then she forwarded the link to my mother to read as well.

So in setting up this blog to write my thoughts, ideas, and silly stories; I didn't want to ever write anything that would hurt either my sister or my mother. Especially after I gave my mother the web address so she could see how cool my blog was...

But as they say, you can only understand how oneself might react to any given situation. So in attempting to sort out my own emotions, I have broken my mantra and decided to rant!

My family is in chaos. And I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

One day we're all fine, the next nothing is off limits and I feel like it's round one of a boxing match. All bets are off and somehow I'm left feeling like I somehow am to blame for everything.

If it's not my sister trying my patience, then my mother is upset with me for something I did or didn't do depending on the day. I moved back to this area to be with my family, to appreciate the life I was missing; not to feel so upset with them that thinking that cutting myself off from them is the only way to make things better.

I guess why I am so hurt tonight is a conversation with my mother online that brought me to tears. She understood from a conversation with my sister that I was bragging about going away with my mother, her boyfriend and my boyfriend to New Brunswick in August. My sister hadn't fully known about the trip as I just had the vacation time confirmed with my work, so she felt upset when I mentionned it in passing that this was one of the reasons I'd cancelled a few days of holiday I had booked in March at the same time of her holidays.

Well apparently this was the beginning of all hell breaking loose.

My sister decided that the reasons behind us not telling her were because we like to leave her out of everything. And then she said my mother has me on a pedastool... as if... I have had a rocky relationship with my mother until the last 5 or 6 years when I finally did grow up enough to realize that you only live once and she might not be around forever.

So as that grown up person, I let go of any anger and upset I may have had about my childhood and began to enjoy our relationship as adults. And I believe the distance between us at the time prolly helped in mending our rifts...

My sister told my mother I 'bragged' about going to NB with my mother and that I had told her there was no room for her or my niece. For one, my sister told me a few times she couldn't change her holidays, so I didn't think she could come; and my response was not that there was no room for her; but that she should talk to my mother about it to see if there was room in the hotel room because I didn't know who else was sharing accommodations as sometimes when she's at a Dog Show working it is a group of people travelling together. And in the beginning, I was to just be a stowaway on her travels, until I convinced my boyfriend that if he could get the same timeframe off that I would love to have him come too to do some sightseeing with me during the day and visit with my parents during the evening.

As well, it's my sister's birthday on Friday; and I've done nothing but try to make arrangements so it will be an enjoyable day for her, while she has made plans for the day and hopes that her arrangements with her sitter won't change so she can go out with us.

So with all the words above, I still don't know how or what to say further. I love both my mother and sister, but I can't keep going around the bend with them like this. And to top it all off my mother for some insane reason, thinks that I am jealous of my sister.

Oh my Lord, what could I possibly be jealous about ?

Now, I know my mother is stressed and her health is not 100 % and I really am not out to hurt anyone's feelings because I know how painful it is when someone you love attacks you, but I am also not going to stand for this yo-yo type of relationship where one day everybody loves each other, and the next everyone is at each other's throats. I can't handle it and I don't need it.

I feel I do enough of my share of work at our family relationship, but apparently I am not helping any matters by having a 'chip on my shoulder'; I am still trying to see how that could be possible when I feel I am the one that always either lets things go by not saying anything or smoothes everyone else's feathers enough to be a family at times. I feel upset because my mother actually believed that I would sink so low as to 'brag' about not including Barbara on purpose in a holiday that I was dying to take. I'm hurt because my sister doesn't think for a moment to make better or alternate plans whenever I want to do something with her and my niece, but yet I am not supposed to take it personally so my mother says. How can I not take this personally ?

And now, after posting this diatribe, my mother is going to think I did this just to get back at her because she posted on her blog about how she felt about both of us and what's going on. I urged her to have a blog because I thought she would enjoy it and I knew I would enjoy reading her thoughts as I do believe I've only been blessed with the little gift I do have in writing because of her love of literature and writing. But I didn't expect her to post like she did today...

Ah well, you only live once and I'm tired of being the one that takes everything lying down. So I will hope that eventually things will iron themselves out and we'll all be a family again, but until people grow up I am not sure that can ever happen.